What Not to do in London

If you follow this guide Harry. 

Agh London, home of the red phone box, Sherlock Holmes (whose hottest interpretation was played by either Robery Downey jr. or Benedict Cumberbatch I have yet to make a definitive choice) and a questionably clean river.

Why London you ask? Well my friends it’s cheapest exotic location you can reach by Megabus. 

My traveling companions were none other then Dan and Han. Equally bourgey* and equally savage in their judgement of anyone is not part of our family. 

This post follows tradition of my previous travel guides in advising the general public what not to do when visiting this great and hella crowded city. 

Do not stay in a hostel in a dorm room of 24 other people. 

For the love of God buy the private room. Saving 5 pounds is not worth your sanity. Being kept awake till 3am by steam-train-snoring Sam and cruch-a-lot-of-crisps Cathy will drive you to sympathize with convicted murderers. 

Do not visit the restaurant Polpo

Listed in the book 1000 places to eat before you die, I can confirm I would rather die then eat at Polpo again. The pork belly was more fat than pig, and undercooked peas should not appear in any dish but especially not a salad. 

Also paper napkins on lamps are a fire hazard not quirky hipster decor. 

Do not visit every Topshop and Urban Outfitters in every London borough. 

They are all exactly the same. And after the 5th one I should have accepted that.

Did not see any of these famous faces.

Do not Expect to see any British Youtubers.

In hindsight I realize why would in a city with a populace 8.674 million would I expect to see any kind of celebrity at tourist attractions?  Zalfie would cause an actual riot in central London. Yet for some reason during every tube ride I would surreptitiously scan every face hoping for that TMZ worthy selfie. 

Do not Take the ‘free’ photo at any tourist attraction.

The only free part of these photos is the disappointment you feel after seeing the abysmal quality. You also 100% have to pay to get a copy.

Do not hesitate to push strangers to get the prime seats on the Megabus.

You can bet everyone else will be overly aggressive and it’s for a good reason. With no assigned seats a calm demeanor when boarding will result in tragedy for 9 hours. Namely your seat mate being a creepy man with a pungently  smelling  fish sandwich.

Do not watch the street performers

1. Inevitably hyping the crowd will consist of 90% go the performance. 
2. The skill in question is typically fake or very VERY mediocre
3. They will force you to buy their mixtape and get very angry when you politely decline.

Do not take the Olympic park walking tour.

Some would question the legitimacy of a random woman leading a tour that does not take you any where near the stadium but focuses on the pollution levels and wildlife of a nearby stream. 

Sadly we left our skepticism at home and spent 2 hours on a tour of the London wetlands. 

Try to save money on food.

This is unless you want hungry vibes, followed by storming off back to Edinburgh vibes, followed by a long tense wait at Nandos that is anything but cheeky. 

For Food you should try:

Freak shakes at Molly Bakes (milkshakes topped with baked goods including cookies, brownies, cake and marshmallows).

Anything at the Borough Market although particularly Raclette at Kappacasein. 

Happy travels my friends x

*bourgey: The qualities of being bourgeois, things that the bourgeois like, things that make the bourgeois the bourgeois. 

e.g. That gated community is so bourgey, they have people to do their lawns. (courtsey of urbandictionary.com)