As some of you more loyal readers may remember a year and a half ago I posted an interview starring my flatmates and the charmed lives they led in Scotland.
Although my living situation has changed somewhat my immediate family still remain my immediate family. That is to say no one has killed themselves in a road accident, although my next guest has come tantalizingly close.
Presenting my Sister Hannah...
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The beautiful princess Hannah
and her new husband Shrek j.k.
She's still on the market lads.
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Hannah
Occupation: Student and Shrek Enthusiast
Words to Live By: That was very savage of you.
Best Quality:
Her boundless energy and enthusiasm
Arguably her music taste
Worst Quality: She’s a light-weight and often has huffy Hannah Time.
All Questions come from Parents: Conversation openers for your teen. A site that provides information for Parents in crisis.
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Question 1: What is the funniest gift you have ever given or received?
Our interview got off to what some would call a rough start with Hannah’s rage at not being presented with the questions ahead of time.
Hannah: Wow…. I wish I had time to prepare for these questions.
Beth: Well you’re not a celebrity so..
Hannah : Wow, rude. Hmmm..( 10 seconds later). Oh I got it! So when we first moved to Tulsa I was supposed to get a good gift from Beth.
Beth: (Seeing exactly where this story was going) Oh no.
Hannah : I was meant to receive a tinker bell backpack but instead I received (pause as she chokes on her laughter obviously sensing my humiliation) I was 13 years old and I received a Fancy Nancy board game.
For those of you that are unaware Fancy Nancy products are aimed at children aged 5-6. To this day Hannah has not played this board game once. In my defense the gift was Mum-purchased as I was away at Christian camp (but that’s another story).
Question 2: What do you think about when there is nothing to think about? (thanks again to Parents: conversation openers for your teen.
Hannah: That was a terribly phrased question firstly. Secondly, I think about random scenarios like:
What if we get into a wreck? (don’t have to imagine too much for this one)
Who would survive?
What if you died?
What would people say?
Would people be sad?
Who would attend your funeral?
And from that I think it’s fair to say these are not random scenarios, it is one scenario and Hannah has a death wish.
Question 3: What song makes you want to dance?
Hannah: This is a fun one, cause I’m ashamed to like this song. But it’s so, it’s a dancer.
Beth: It’s not that jewish bat/bar mitzvah mix you showed us is it?
Hannah: Hahaha No, that is good. But I like the song Get Lucky by Pharrell, it’s a catchy one. Actually scratch that last, I enjoy Shakka, Say Nada. Like that one.
Beth: Could you give us a musical rendition?
Hannah: (speaks) Say Nada. That’s it.
Question 4: If you could meet someone from history who would it be?
Hannah: Do they have to be dead? (Hannah’s obsession with death reemerges)
Beth: Let’s say dead. And you can’t say myself in the past, cause that would be my answer and it’s really clever.
Hannah: Wait past- me? I’m not dead…
Beth: Oh never-mind (I realize my stupidity and nervous laugh into silence)
Hannah: You’re stupid. I would talk to…
Beth: John Lennon?
Hannah: No, bit of a nutcase.
Beth: hahaha (true dat)
After a long discussion Hannah settles on Henry VIII, serial philanderer and groomsman. Hannah specifies this meeting would be when Henry was at his prime not at the end when was mad and diseased.
Question 5: What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a child say?
Hannah: Nothing tbh. I hate children. 0 out of 10, next question.
Question 6: What is great value to you but of no value to anyone else?
Beth: Your personality?
Hannah: OH!! Maybe? The videos on my phone, everyone else hates them but I think they’re hilarious. Or my spotify playlists.
Question 7: What is the first thing you would do if you on the lottery?
Hannah: I was going to say pay off the mortgage, but what’s the point? We’re moving. How much am I winning?
Beth: Let’s say enough so you never have to work a day in your life.
Hannah: Oh, Well I’d probably pay off university.
Beth: (incredulous) You would still go? I wouldn’t go.
Hannah: You wouldn’t go? I want to be educated, so I would go.
(This statement highlights Hannah’s strong sense of ambition and my complete lack of)
Hannah: Oh never-mind I would pay for my own car. So I didn't have to ask to use it every, single, time. And a single one room shack to avoid the horror movie scenarios that happen in mansions.
Hannah also mentions her newly found wealth would remain a secret from everyone as she doesn’t want to pay for ‘everything’ and she’s and I quote ‘stingy’ . Although she does admit she wouldn't have to put in any effort making friends ever again.
Question 8: When was the last time you were lost?
Hannah: Um, Lost like mentally?
Beth: Wow, we’re getting deep. How about both physically and mentally?
Wait I know mentally it was during that Intro to business presentation. I know I was so lost.
Hannah: Hahaha Beth you are too funny. One time okay, I was cruising back from Oklahoma city and I really needed to pee. I pulled off a random exit from the highway, I came to a random town.
Basically Hannah found no toilet available at 7pm and had to race home with no idea how to re-join the highway, bladder full to bursting but fearing a charge for public indecency and a subsequent membership to the Oklahoma sex offenders club.
Question 9: What slang word do you love to use?
Hannah: Savage. And if someone says something particularly savage then I would say Pascal Savage. He is the best character from the seminal classic Johnny English. And is very savage. So I took a spin on his attitude and the saying became savage.
Question 10: What would you buy from a thrift store?
Hannah: Probably high waisted jeans and make them into shorts. The classic.
And by classic I assume Hannah means completely unoriginal and classic hipster white girl.
Question 12: What is you Mother’s best meal.
Hannah: Well it’s not cheesy toast. Or whatever she calls it. It’s like cheese on bread. What is it called?
We find out after some time Hannah is referring to cheese on toast.
Hannah: I like when Mum makes me chicken and broccoli.
Beth: It’s the simple things in life.
Hannah: Or ribs, she makes good ribs and creme brûlée.
Question 12: What is you favorite dessert?
Hannah: I like ice cream.
Beth: Any specific type?
Hannah: (whispers creepily) Sweet cream. With gummy bears. A Marble Slab classic.
Question 13: Who do you try and impress?
Hannah: Not really anyone.
SAVAGE.
Hannah then adds somewhat unconvincingly: Maybe my teachers?
Question 14: How old is old?
Hannah: Sixty. And then you should die.
I think it was at this point I realized Hannah was either a psychopath or was getting bored with the interview. I decided to wrap it up with three final questions.
It was then our Mum then burst into our private interview and asked us to pick up our beloved dog Sage and our frankly rat-like other dog, Rosie.
Question 15: What was the last book you read?
Hannah: Twilight. Currently reading. But the Last book I finished was Duchess of the Night for my romance class.
Beth: Care to give us a synopsis?
Hannah: It was quite complicated but good.
Beth: That’s an opinion not a synopsis.
Hannah: Shut up.
And finally the quick fire round:
Fitness goals?: Always the same isn’t it? Get bikini body never really pans out.
Favorite movie?: Shrek. Shrek 2.
Nicknames?: Meatface (no explanation for this provided)
Least favorite slang term: Lit.
Least favorite music genre: Gospel, screamo, country, heavy metal.
And finally we’ll end with a poem Hannah has memorized about her high school’s librarian:
In the library there’s a man on the throne
In the library I go on my phone
In the library I check the time
In the library he takes what’s mine.
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| Laters Haters -Hannah '16 |
I assume the librarian is taking phones and not something more sinister. Thanks very much to my sister Hannah. Stay tuned for more fascinating interviews.
