Journey to the Land of the Thin

Queen G and I consuming calories via the best means possible: BOOZE CRUISE

Over the years Queen G and I have been on various quests to achieve slim perfection. 

Some previous diet attempts have included: 

• Walking to Sainsbury’s as exercise

• Drinking bathtub quantities of fizzy juice

• Eating a cinema worth of popcorn under the guise that popcorn contains only salt and sunshine as far as nutritional content. 

• Pinning pictures of bikini-clad models on a fitness inspo pintrest board

It was clear that though our methods were inventive and certainly one-of-a-kind our diet plans weren’t only being laughed at by our peers, we were actually gaining weight. Without the excuse of the freshers forty (or is it fifteen I really let myself go first year) Queen G and I decided to go all out and diet like we’d never dieted before.

On Tuesday night G and I trotted off to Sainsbo’s, determination in our eyes and a budget of 5 pounds on our debit cards. After much deliberation we purchased the following:

• 2 boxes of Carrot and Coriander powdered soup
• 1 box Tomato and Basil powdered soup
• 1 box Chicken Noodle powdered soup
• 1 scale
• 2 boxes of magic food expulsion pills 

That night after watching a classic film about high class and humble Japanese prostituties, we popped 2 magic pills each and headed to bed in order to be well rested for the trying days ahead. 

I awoke at 7am and realized just how painful magic really is especially when it comes in pill form. Suffice to say Queen G and I spent the entire morning frequenting the water closet and feeling like our digestive organs were being ripped out. By 10am we felt as empty and sad as Uncle Scar after he realizes that even his faithful hyena minions hate him. Lunchtime soon rolled around, and it was steaming cups of carrot and coriander all round. Funnily enough the soup tasted less like a feast for royalty and more like warm water with powdery lumps. 

Post-lunch I took solace in my sugar free Irn Bru while Queen G chowed down on a pack of Spearmint Extra chewing gum trying to convince our selves in the words of Kate Moss “Nothing tastes as good as Skinny feels”. Although I was starting to think maybe a slice of bread might come close. 

In order to lift our spirits and stall our hunger fueled hallucinations we decided to partake in one of our favorite activities, a brisk walk to the park. Unfortunately by this point Queen G had lost what little strength she had left. Swinging was nigh on impossible and conversation kept returning back to our probable approaching deaths. Our walk wasn't so much a energetic adventure as snail-paced plod. 

Upon our return to the flat Queen G discovered she had aged years and developed under eye bags the size of tyres (although this may have been due to the lighting and smudged makeup)and I had turned pale as a sheet (although this may of been due to a general lack of a tan). While Queen G collapsed by her laptop, I headed to my bed to try and manage a Skype call. It was mid-way through having my friend describe in detail the exact contents of her fridge I realized. I was sad, old, confused and lonely at the same time, I was miserable and muggle oh yeah. It was time to raise the white flag, the diet had turned me into the kind of lifeless drip neither Sam Claflin nor Harry Styles would take a second look at (unless they were escorting me to a hospital). 

We ended the day not with empty bellies but with Weetabix, popcorn and winner winner chicken dinner. I’ve learnt a couple of things through this journey which are as follows:

1. Never pick a diet Partner that has IBS
2. Over the counter medication can and probably will kill you
3. If it doesn’t look like carrot and coriander soup it probably won’t taste like Carrot and Coriander soup.