What I Eat in a Day: HUNGOVER EDITION

During my time as a YouTuber subscriber and blog post devourer I see these posts time and time again. Usually the person has body goals, legs for days, abs of steel or is promoting some kind of fun restrictive diet. 

What I think I look like chilling after a night out. 

What I actually look like. 

What I look like at 3pm. RIP me. 

Regrettably aside from being a vegetarian (which is akin to being a carnivore these days #plantbased #ordie) I fit none of these criteria. My diet is terrible and to compensate for the lack of protein I tend to shovel in the carbs. 

However I LOVE looking at photos/GIFs/videos/films of tasty food. I live vicariously through other’s diets. And I’m just exceedingly nosy. 

For those who are curious, here’s what I eat when I’m craving the worst kind of food. HANGOVER FOOD. 

Stay hydrated my friends

Breakfast 6AM: Water or Milkshake 

I always wake up with a raging thirst. I fill a jug of water as cold as our kitchen sink can manage,  and hobble back to bed to sleep off the impending nausea. 

Occasionally I make the foolish choice and buy ice-cream the night before. I come home, try to eat the ice cream completely wasted, fall asleep mid-spoonful and end up with a Ben and Jerry’s milkshake all over my bonnie blonde hair. I wish I was making this up. It is a tragic sight to behold. 

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Brunch 11AM:  Large Dominoes Pizza

Why so late I hear you ask? Well sadly and I have legitimate issues over this, Dominoes does not begin delivering till 11am. Although this is a travesty it does allow the time to let my flatmates and I recap our drunken escapades from the previous night. My pizza order is usually some varied veggie combination. Staples include: stuffed Crust, cheese, pineapple, sweet peppers,  and onions.  I rarely finish the entire pizza, but eat a solid 4.5 pieces (with garlic sauce OF COURSE). 

***

12:30PM : More water.

The pizza salt really kicks in and so does the raging thirst. 

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Lunch 2PM: Cadbury's Fruit and Nut Chocolate

How to further counteract the sodium racing through my blood stream? With something teaming with sugar of course! And when it comes to over excess of sugar nothing beats DAIRY MILK.  

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Snack 3PM: Black Coffee and more pizza

As young and free as I feel in the morning energy levels fade fast after a 4am bedtime and 6am rise. I chug a black coffee with Sweet and Low and snack on a slice of now cold and oh so slightly stale pizza.

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Dinner 9-10PM: 2 Corn on the Cob

I end the day later than I should but with the food of the gods. I grill 2 cobs of corn for around 30 minutes at mediumish heat, rotating at the 15 minute mark. Before grilling I bathe the cobs in butter and liberally sprinkle salt and pepper. And when I say sprinkle, most would say drown. 

***

Looking back on this menu I would say:

• Portion sizes not great. 
• Sodium and sugar levels not great. 
• Hydration levels over compensating af
• BUT look at all the vegetables I managed to pack in!!

I would also like to add my skin really suffers after all this greasy food and I tend to break out the day after. However at the end of the day this food is undeniably delicious. As much as healthy alternatives could be introduced I have no desire to try and alter perfectly good food. Sorry not sorry. 

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What Movie Should I Watch?: Films for Every Occasion

We’ve all been there. You’re tired/bored/hungover/procrastinating. You try Netflix.  You scroll through IMDB Top 100 movies of all time. You text your friends desperate for inspiration.  And inevitably you end up settling for a re-run of a tired rom-com or TV show. Hope is not lost. There is an answer. 

Spoiler alert it’s this list.  

This guide will provide with you 1 movie for every occasion. No decision making required.

Disclaimer: The only slight issue with this list is if you’ve already seen the movie, but as my sister Hannah always says you win some you lose most. Or something along the lines of tough luck. 

Date Night: Gone Girl

You thought I would select a rom com but no no no. Rom coms put an enormous amount of pressure on the date and the attractiveness level of both parties involved. Much better to have a thriller that provides an enlightening discussion like:

• What if you cheated on me and then I made it look like you murdered me? 
• How closely does this movie reflect Ben Affleck’s actual personal life?
• Was Barney from How I met Your Mother always this creepy?

Hungover: Sleeping with other People

This is perfect Rom-Com scenario. You're just still drunk enough from the night before the plot seems plausible and there’s the clear real-life connection between:

• Your true love for greasy hangover food 
• True love between soul mates

Initially the trailer  for this film really put me off, but I promise you this is actually a really good film. Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie have crazy chemistry and there are so many fun Adam cameos e.g. Adam Brody, Adam Scott the list goes on. 

Summer: Trainspotting

You may feel guilty for not making the most of the sunshine but at least you’re not:

• Recovering from a heroin binge 
• Sticking your head down a public toilet. 
• Being blackmailed by a under-age teenager

Holiday Season: Scindler’s List

Vintage Voldemort and Liam Neeson

I really REALLY want to say Love Actually but if you’ve come across this list chance are this is already a firm fave. Why not try Scindeler’s list? It may not scream Happy Holidays but there is definitely is screaming, and who doesn’t like a good cry at Christmas? 

Alternatively you can rewatch Elf for the millionth time. 

Family Night: Ground Hog Day

The pain we all feel. 

This is a tricky one, something appealing for all ages that won’t cause instant sleep/boredom/mum to yell out well this is awkward! This movie appeals to both the old and young. Bill Murray may be a bit of a cliche these days but this film is quotable, original (at least for its time), and quite touching by the end. Just don’t blame me if ‘I Get you Babe’ is stuck in your head by the end. 

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Never Meet Your Heroes or Beth’s Celebrity Encounters

Today I will share with you some of  the celebrities I’ve met over the years and how these meetings went so wrong so quickly. 

The truth is celebrities are just like us, but because of over exposure via the Daily Mail we consider them friends, confidantes and at times Gods (aka Julian Morris). I’m here to tell you they are not your friends and 98% of the time they think you're average looking, sounding and overwhelmingly creepy. 

I’ll  count down from yeah they sound familiar to OMFG YOU MET HIM OMFG, YOU’RE A STAR JUST FOR BEING IN HIS PRESENCE. Hold onto your hats. 

4. Jacqueline Wilson 

I don't have a picture for this one (photo albums in storage but I will remedy this asap)

Who is she?: Narrated my pre-teen years through a series of novels and audio books. Such classics as Tracy Beaker, The Dustin Baby, Double Act, Best Friends the list goes on as she pumps out a books like it's going out of fashion. Well I guess it is...youth these days.

The Meeting: This was a planned meet and greet. I was star struck! This was  the author of my teenage struggles, she understood my plights and wrote characters that were the definition of #relatable. I planned my question with the upmost care and consideration. Nothing controversial, something she could elaborate on, a moment we could share forever.

Me: Of the books you’ve written which is your favorite and why?

Jacqueline: Dustbin Baby. *sign book*.

That was it. She seemed really irritated. In hindsight maybe not the most original of questions but I was crushed. My hero found me annoying. I can never think of the moment without a twinge of sadness. She looked exactly like her photos on the back of the book though. No photo shop over here.

3. Michael Phelps

I'm the kid on the very left. 

Who is he?: American Olympic Swimmer, dabbled in some illegal drug use. Recovered and ready to take on Rio 2016. 

Meeting: This was probably my most positive celebrity experience. It was at a swim camp event because for some reason despite attending private school I swam with a swim group for impoverished youths. Despite Michael’s controversial antics post-games this camp was before Bejjing and he was the Olympic golden boy. 

Impressions of Michael was that he was the living embodiment of a merman. When he swam it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. He just glided at an impossible speed up and down the pool barely moving, like a very long dolphin. It was hella cool. He gave me a high five (very large hands) and told me I was doing a great job. I clearly wasn't as you can tell from the photo. I was slightly drowning due to lack of wall space poolside. 

So maybe in the context of an inspirational swim camp for under privileged kids you should meet your sporting heroes.

2. Ewan McGregor

Ewan and Danny: The Lads

It was all fun and games before he saw me

Who is he?: Where do I even start? Train spotting, Moulin Rouge, Star Wars, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (of course I didn’t see that one it sounds awful) and Big Fish. This guy is the big name Scottish actor and dare I say it perhaps more versatile than even Kevin Mckidd.

Meeting: So this is one of those instances I really humiliated myself and it was very very recent. Currently Train-spotting 2 is being filmed in Edinburgh. I was sure due to being in America for the majority of the summer I had missed my chance seeing Ewan. BUT as fate the force would have our paths some would say  like Jedi were destined to cross. My flatmates and I were on the way back from a flat viewing way out of our budget and safety zone when... 

We saw a crowd, we saw a movie clapper (look it up), we saw barriers.  I put two and two together and realized we approaching  orbit to Obi-Wan Kenobi. I almost threw up and it wasn’t only from the copious amount of vodka from the the night before. 

10 minutes passed and my flatmate was desperate to leave for hangover pizza. And then I saw a face through the glass doors of the hotel. Was it? Could it be? Ewan looked out onto the street and prepared to enter the scene. He opened the doors, stepped into the sunshine, leaned casually against the wall as Danny Boyle world renowned director swept past.

I won’t lie to you all that happened in the scene was Ewan leaned against the wall and was presumably asked to leave by a hotel porter. There were some extras that entered and exited the hotel. One had quite a large backpack. No dialogue could be heard above an assistant telling us to shut up and not to take photos. But it was amazing. And convinced me that I could be an actor. I constantly lean against things and am often asked to leave (typically night clubs but same difference). 

All too soon the scene finished and Ewan looked at me. I then gave him the most horrific and creepy smile I have ever given anyone ever. I think I was going for blase but looked cannibalistic.  He sort of frowned and then went back into the hotel. Ewan McGregor thought I wanted to eat him. 

1. Justin Bieber

I'm sorry for being so ugly haha.

Who is he?: If you don't know who this is then chances are you didn't know any of the other celebrities listed either. I’d stop reading now. Unless you think I’m a great story teller regardless then thanks! I’m shocked you’ve actually found this blog!

Meeting: This meeting took place just before Justin turned into a mega star. ‘Baby’ was top of the charts. Although I had assumed the song was by a female child I was pleasantly surprised it was actually sung by a teenage boy the same age as myself. My friend’s Dad sponsored the concert so had received back stage passes. I wasn't nervous as I only knew a couple of songs. We stood in line for eons and finally glimpsed the purple jacket sporting JB. 

Justin’s face was like a  ken doll. Despite his 15 years he sported not a whisper of a blemish and his side fringe was secured by what I can only postulate was cement. 

Justin: Hey Guys.

Us: Silence, absolute silence. The doll was speaking. 

Photographer: Okay smile.

Me: *I’m standing next to Justin Bieber. He’s touching my butt. Is this accidental? Is he real?*

My friend: Sorry about your leg.

Me: What? *This sweater must be fresh out the packet it feels new*

Justin: Oh yeah haha thanks. 

We then received a signed poster, a sticker and were advised to leave and take our seats in the arena (the concert was starting). 

So apparently Justin had a broken leg I had totally missed because I was 100% starstruck. The concert was amazing and for about a year I was a closet Belieber. And I still maintain he touched my butt. 

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My Unpopular Opinions

Rolling into my heart since 1994

1. Taylor Swift’s music is extremely catchy and her relationships are not only envy-inducing but fascinating to follow.

2. Those oversized hipster glasses look good on everyone.

3. Breaking Bad kind of sucks by the last season.

4. Twilight was and still is a highly addictive and enjoyable series of books. 

5. The song ‘Somebody I used to Know’ by Goyte is the most irritating song on the entire planet. It gives me a headache just thinking about it.

6. The idea of a water park is better than the reality. 

7. The majority of people are more fun drunk.

8. Subtle sarcasm is just annoying. 

9. Rick Roll videos are the best because that song is catchy af. 

10. The newer Star Wars films (1-3 and the force awakens) were better than then 4-6. 

11. Adele and Marilyn Monroe are overrated. 

12. Autocorrect is one of the best inventions of the 21st century.

13. In general I’m really proud of my generation- the move towards a more accepting and open society.  

14. Regular homework is extremely useful and should continue into university. 

15. Soggy cereal is the best kind of cereal. 

Disclaimer: Though the majority of these personal opinions are unpopular most are not particularly controversial.  Views on topical political or social issues means substantial  justification and/or an explanation is needed. This post is purely light-hearted. For actual controversy and internet trolling, check out this Reddit feed. Or the YouTube comments on any of Nicki Minaj’s music videos.  

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Interview with my Seestra

As some of you more loyal readers may remember a year and a half ago I posted an interview starring my flatmates and the charmed lives they led in Scotland. 

Although my living situation has changed somewhat my immediate family still remain my immediate family. That is to say no one has killed themselves in a road accident,  although my next guest has come tantalizingly close.

Presenting my Sister Hannah...

The beautiful princess Hannah 
and her new husband Shrek j.k. 
She's still on the market lads.

Hannah

Occupation: Student and Shrek Enthusiast 

Words to Live By: That was very savage of you.

Best Quality: 

Her boundless energy and enthusiasm 

Arguably her music taste 

Worst Quality: She’s a light-weight and often has huffy Hannah Time.  

All Questions come from Parents: Conversation openers for your teen. A site that provides information for Parents in crisis. 

***

Question 1: What is the funniest gift you have ever given or received?

Our interview got off to what some would call a rough start with Hannah’s rage at not being presented with the questions ahead of time. 

Hannah: Wow…. I wish I had time to prepare for these questions.

Beth: Well you’re not a celebrity so..

Hannah : Wow, rude. Hmmm..( 10 seconds later). Oh I got it! So when we first  moved to Tulsa I was supposed to get a good gift from Beth.

Beth: (Seeing exactly where this story was going) Oh no.

Hannah : I was meant to receive a tinker bell backpack but instead I received (pause as she chokes on her laughter obviously sensing my humiliation) I was 13 years old and I received a Fancy Nancy board game.

For those of you that are unaware Fancy Nancy products are aimed at children aged 5-6. To this day Hannah has not played this board game once. In my defense the gift was Mum-purchased as I was away at Christian camp (but that’s another story).

Question 2: What do you think about when there is nothing to think about? (thanks again to Parents: conversation openers for your teen. 

Hannah: That was a terribly phrased question firstly. Secondly,  I think about random scenarios like:

What if we get into a wreck? (don’t have to imagine too much for this one)

Who would survive?

What if you died?

What would people say?

Would people be sad?

Who would attend your funeral?

And from that I think it’s fair to say these are not random scenarios, it is one scenario and Hannah has  a death wish.

Question 3: What song makes you want to dance?

Hannah: This is a fun one, cause I’m ashamed to like this song. But it’s so, it’s a dancer. 

Beth: It’s not that jewish bat/bar mitzvah mix you showed us is it?

Hannah:  Hahaha No, that is good. But I like the song Get Lucky by Pharrell, it’s a catchy one. Actually scratch that last, I enjoy Shakka, Say Nada. Like that one. 

Beth: Could you give us a musical rendition?

Hannah: (speaks) Say Nada. That’s it. 

Question 4: If you could meet someone from history who would it be?

Hannah: Do they have to be dead? (Hannah’s obsession with death reemerges)

Beth: Let’s say dead. And you can’t say myself in the past, cause that would be my answer and it’s really clever. 

Hannah: Wait past- me? I’m not dead…

Beth: Oh never-mind (I realize my stupidity and nervous laugh into silence)

Hannah: You’re stupid. I would talk to…

Beth: John Lennon?

Hannah: No, bit of a nutcase. 

Beth: hahaha (true dat)

After a long discussion Hannah settles on Henry VIII, serial philanderer and groomsman. Hannah specifies this meeting would be when Henry was at his  prime not at the end when was mad and diseased. 

Question 5: What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a child say?

Hannah: Nothing tbh. I hate children. 0 out of 10, next question. 

Question 6: What is great value to you but of no value to anyone else?

Beth: Your personality?

Hannah: OH!! Maybe? The videos on my phone, everyone else hates them but I think they’re hilarious. Or my spotify playlists.

Question 7: What is the first thing you would do if you on the lottery?

Hannah: I was going to say pay off the mortgage, but what’s the point? We’re moving. How much am I winning?

Beth: Let’s say enough so you never have to work a day in your life.

Hannah: Oh, Well I’d probably pay off university. 

Beth: (incredulous) You would still go? I wouldn’t go. 

Hannah: You wouldn’t go? I want to be educated, so I would go. 

(This statement highlights Hannah’s strong sense of ambition and my complete lack of)

Hannah: Oh never-mind I would pay for my own car. So I didn't have to ask to use it every, single, time. And a single one room shack to avoid the horror movie scenarios that happen in mansions.

Hannah also mentions her newly found wealth would remain a secret from everyone as she doesn’t want to pay for ‘everything’ and she’s and I quote ‘stingy’ . Although she does admit she wouldn't have to put in any effort making friends ever again. 

Question 8: When was the last time you were lost?

Hannah: Um, Lost like mentally?

Beth: Wow, we’re getting deep. How about both physically and mentally?

Wait I know mentally it was during that  Intro to business presentation. I know I was so lost. 

Hannah: Hahaha Beth you are too funny. One time okay, I was cruising back from Oklahoma city and I really needed to pee. I pulled off a random exit from the highway, I came to a random town.

Basically Hannah found no toilet available at 7pm and had to race home with no idea how to re-join the highway, bladder full to bursting but fearing a charge for public indecency and a subsequent membership to the Oklahoma sex offenders club. 

Question 9: What slang word do you love to use?

Hannah: Savage. And if someone says something particularly savage then I would say Pascal Savage. He is the best character from the seminal classic Johnny English. And is  very savage. So I took a spin on his attitude and the saying became savage. 

Question 10: What would you buy from a thrift store?

Hannah: Probably high waisted jeans and make them into shorts. The classic. 

And by classic I assume Hannah means completely unoriginal and classic hipster white girl. 

Question 12: What is you Mother’s best meal.

Hannah: Well it’s not cheesy toast. Or whatever she calls it. It’s like cheese on bread. What is it called?

We find out after some time Hannah is referring to cheese on toast. 

Hannah: I like when Mum makes me chicken and broccoli. 

Beth: It’s the simple things in life.

Hannah: Or ribs, she makes good ribs and creme brûlée. 

Question 12: What is you favorite dessert?

Hannah: I like ice cream.

Beth: Any specific type?

Hannah: (whispers creepily) Sweet cream. With gummy bears. A Marble Slab classic. 

Question 13: Who do you try and impress?

Hannah: Not really anyone. 

SAVAGE. 

Hannah then adds somewhat unconvincingly: Maybe my teachers?

Question 14: How old is old?

Hannah: Sixty. And then you should die.

I think it was at this point I realized Hannah was either a psychopath or was getting bored with the interview. I decided to wrap it up with three final questions.

It was then our Mum then burst into our private interview and asked us to pick up our beloved dog Sage and our frankly rat-like other dog, Rosie. 

Question 15: What was the last book you read?

Hannah: Twilight. Currently reading. But the Last book I finished was Duchess of the Night for my romance class.

Beth: Care to give us a synopsis?

Hannah: It was quite complicated but good.

Beth: That’s an opinion not a synopsis.

Hannah: Shut up. 

And finally the quick fire round:

Fitness goals?: Always the same isn’t it? Get bikini body never really pans out. 

Favorite movie?: Shrek. Shrek 2. 

Nicknames?: Meatface (no explanation for this provided)

Least favorite slang term: Lit. 

Least favorite music genre: Gospel, screamo, country, heavy metal. 

And finally we’ll end with a poem Hannah has memorized about her high school’s librarian:

In the library there’s a man on the throne

In the library I go on my phone

In the library I check the time

In the library he takes what’s mine.

Laters Haters -Hannah '16

I assume the librarian is taking phones and not something more sinister. Thanks very much to my sister Hannah. Stay tuned for more fascinating interviews. 

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