Never Meet Your Heroes or Beth’s Celebrity Encounters

Today I will share with you some of  the celebrities I’ve met over the years and how these meetings went so wrong so quickly. 

The truth is celebrities are just like us, but because of over exposure via the Daily Mail we consider them friends, confidantes and at times Gods (aka Julian Morris). I’m here to tell you they are not your friends and 98% of the time they think you're average looking, sounding and overwhelmingly creepy. 

I’ll  count down from yeah they sound familiar to OMFG YOU MET HIM OMFG, YOU’RE A STAR JUST FOR BEING IN HIS PRESENCE. Hold onto your hats. 

4. Jacqueline Wilson 

I don't have a picture for this one (photo albums in storage but I will remedy this asap)

Who is she?: Narrated my pre-teen years through a series of novels and audio books. Such classics as Tracy Beaker, The Dustin Baby, Double Act, Best Friends the list goes on as she pumps out a books like it's going out of fashion. Well I guess it is...youth these days.

The Meeting: This was a planned meet and greet. I was star struck! This was  the author of my teenage struggles, she understood my plights and wrote characters that were the definition of #relatable. I planned my question with the upmost care and consideration. Nothing controversial, something she could elaborate on, a moment we could share forever.

Me: Of the books you’ve written which is your favorite and why?

Jacqueline: Dustbin Baby. *sign book*.

That was it. She seemed really irritated. In hindsight maybe not the most original of questions but I was crushed. My hero found me annoying. I can never think of the moment without a twinge of sadness. She looked exactly like her photos on the back of the book though. No photo shop over here.

3. Michael Phelps

I'm the kid on the very left. 

Who is he?: American Olympic Swimmer, dabbled in some illegal drug use. Recovered and ready to take on Rio 2016. 

Meeting: This was probably my most positive celebrity experience. It was at a swim camp event because for some reason despite attending private school I swam with a swim group for impoverished youths. Despite Michael’s controversial antics post-games this camp was before Bejjing and he was the Olympic golden boy. 

Impressions of Michael was that he was the living embodiment of a merman. When he swam it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. He just glided at an impossible speed up and down the pool barely moving, like a very long dolphin. It was hella cool. He gave me a high five (very large hands) and told me I was doing a great job. I clearly wasn't as you can tell from the photo. I was slightly drowning due to lack of wall space poolside. 

So maybe in the context of an inspirational swim camp for under privileged kids you should meet your sporting heroes.

2. Ewan McGregor

Ewan and Danny: The Lads

It was all fun and games before he saw me

Who is he?: Where do I even start? Train spotting, Moulin Rouge, Star Wars, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (of course I didn’t see that one it sounds awful) and Big Fish. This guy is the big name Scottish actor and dare I say it perhaps more versatile than even Kevin Mckidd.

Meeting: So this is one of those instances I really humiliated myself and it was very very recent. Currently Train-spotting 2 is being filmed in Edinburgh. I was sure due to being in America for the majority of the summer I had missed my chance seeing Ewan. BUT as fate the force would have our paths some would say  like Jedi were destined to cross. My flatmates and I were on the way back from a flat viewing way out of our budget and safety zone when... 

We saw a crowd, we saw a movie clapper (look it up), we saw barriers.  I put two and two together and realized we approaching  orbit to Obi-Wan Kenobi. I almost threw up and it wasn’t only from the copious amount of vodka from the the night before. 

10 minutes passed and my flatmate was desperate to leave for hangover pizza. And then I saw a face through the glass doors of the hotel. Was it? Could it be? Ewan looked out onto the street and prepared to enter the scene. He opened the doors, stepped into the sunshine, leaned casually against the wall as Danny Boyle world renowned director swept past.

I won’t lie to you all that happened in the scene was Ewan leaned against the wall and was presumably asked to leave by a hotel porter. There were some extras that entered and exited the hotel. One had quite a large backpack. No dialogue could be heard above an assistant telling us to shut up and not to take photos. But it was amazing. And convinced me that I could be an actor. I constantly lean against things and am often asked to leave (typically night clubs but same difference). 

All too soon the scene finished and Ewan looked at me. I then gave him the most horrific and creepy smile I have ever given anyone ever. I think I was going for blase but looked cannibalistic.  He sort of frowned and then went back into the hotel. Ewan McGregor thought I wanted to eat him. 

1. Justin Bieber

I'm sorry for being so ugly haha.

Who is he?: If you don't know who this is then chances are you didn't know any of the other celebrities listed either. I’d stop reading now. Unless you think I’m a great story teller regardless then thanks! I’m shocked you’ve actually found this blog!

Meeting: This meeting took place just before Justin turned into a mega star. ‘Baby’ was top of the charts. Although I had assumed the song was by a female child I was pleasantly surprised it was actually sung by a teenage boy the same age as myself. My friend’s Dad sponsored the concert so had received back stage passes. I wasn't nervous as I only knew a couple of songs. We stood in line for eons and finally glimpsed the purple jacket sporting JB. 

Justin’s face was like a  ken doll. Despite his 15 years he sported not a whisper of a blemish and his side fringe was secured by what I can only postulate was cement. 

Justin: Hey Guys.

Us: Silence, absolute silence. The doll was speaking. 

Photographer: Okay smile.

Me: *I’m standing next to Justin Bieber. He’s touching my butt. Is this accidental? Is he real?*

My friend: Sorry about your leg.

Me: What? *This sweater must be fresh out the packet it feels new*

Justin: Oh yeah haha thanks. 

We then received a signed poster, a sticker and were advised to leave and take our seats in the arena (the concert was starting). 

So apparently Justin had a broken leg I had totally missed because I was 100% starstruck. The concert was amazing and for about a year I was a closet Belieber. And I still maintain he touched my butt.